Deconstructing what's "real"...

Man. I am pretty sure that in the last week or two of writing, I have learned more about myself than in my entire thirty years of living. I wrote my post last night honestly, but when I shut my laptop, I didn't get "that feeling". The feeling that I'd kicked truth's ass. I didn't give it much thought though, and laid down to go to sleep. But I couldn't sleep. I was exhausted from standing for 8 hours straight, my mind was still, but I couldn't seem to drift off. Maybe what occurred to me tonight had something to do with that.

Again, in my bathroom, this time getting ready for bed (something in my toothpaste must stimulate my brain cells), it occurred to me how, well, dumb it was that I had somehow decided that just because I specifically woke up and sat down in the morning hours to write that that makes me an official writer. Sure it was the longest consecutive period of time I have spent writing so far. But I have sat down in my office plenty of times before to write. It's just usually at midnight or one, and only for an hour and a half. I was reading the book Picture Writer today at work, and before growing bored of it and returning it to the library, I did come across one interesting item. In the very back, the author listed the results of a survey she had given writers, asking them when they write. There was a list of quotes from published authors that varied as much as the swirls of our fingerprints. One said in the morning, one said once a week, one said 10 hours a day, one said midnight to 6 am, others said whenever they can- in waiting rooms, in traffic, etc. And, I thought, wow, midnight to 6am? So that's ok???

Apparently, I have some kind of mommy complex where I have to be told that the things I do are ok before I will stop beating myself up for them. So, now that I know it is ok to write at night, I can stop beating myself up for not getting up early to do it. I function best in the hours of 10pm to 3am. So what?

Thinking on this, it was quite amusing when I sat down to check my email and found one from my life coach quoting my previous email to her in which I had stated that I wanted to write in the morning "to make it feel like it is a real job and not a hobby". Only, she had underlined the word "real". Well, my view instantly shifted, my blinders immediately widened. I wanted to wake up and work in the morning because in my mind that is what constitutes a "real job". I can't just write a little here, a little there. That's not how you do "real jobs". But, who is scoring me on the realness of how I write? Why do I feel the need to construct my life around these rigid ideas I have cemented in my mind? I write because I want to write, not because I have to or I should. So shouldn't I then write when I want to write, not when I have to or when I should? I'm always amazed at how a person's outlook so alters their sense of reality. Stephen said no more outlines. No pre-planning. And, I intend to honor that to my best ability.


Hanging on to the mommy complex. It's time to let go, and live life by my rules- there are none.