Living in my feet...

I sent an email to my life coach last night, exasperated at myself for not moving forward with my writing. I've analyzed all my fears; I've taken advice from the pros; I've set up my own secluded office space which I've filled with supplies. I've no excuses left. So, why have I not started? She responded by sending me a questionnaire to complete. One of the questions asked: what stops you from having accomplished your goal (of writing)? Well, normally I would answer with a regurgitated list of fears, but I have given them names. Therefore, they have lost their grasp on me. It is no longer them that is stopping me. Now it's just me.

It started me thinking about my post from last night. How I am a planner, how I operate within the boundaries of tomorrow. When I was young, from five to twenty-five, I always lived in the distant future. All I cared about was getting married and having kids, things I knew were light years away (which must be a long time considering light years isn't even a measurement of time). In the past few years, I have realized I can't do that anymore. I'm kind-of close to the vicinity of possibly being perceived as an adult now, which I still haven't grown accustomed to and probably never will, so I can't really afford to live in the distant future. So I packed up my bags and moved to the near future, focusing on the days to come- tomorrow, next week, next month.

I guess this was a subconsciously shocking transition because I am now learning that I have attached myself to that near future with the suction of a starfish. As I wrote last night, I plan every bit of it. Any time that I allowed myself to just relax, just be with my husband, just watch tv, I felt horrible afterwards, like I'd gone on some kind of binge. Only the opposite.

Time is probably the greatest invisible, non-existent sorcerer of all. It plays tricks on you. Humans have set up these delineators of second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year in hopes of creating some semblance of order in an open and free existence. These constructs tempt us to live in our brains and not in our feet. In my mind, I could be living in 2045, but my feet are here, now. And, it's my feet that are going to take me places. There's so much talk of the dangers of living in the past, but living in the future is just as harmful. In order to be a writer, I have to be in the present. I can't hope I will write tomorrow. I have to write right now or it will never happen. Writing is my blessing. Writing is what is going to bring me into the present. The only place I can live in peace.


Today I had great fun photographing my friends for their "pre-baby" shoot. They had me laughing the entire time so much my chest hurt. We turned out with some really amazing shots. Please check out the rest of the batch on my flickr page tomorrow night: flickr.com/dewindesigns And stay tuned for future shots of the baby!!! (haha, a new victim!)