Theorizing about chaos...

Tonight I picked up a thought on 2nd Avenue after picking up some dinner at Campeche Bay. While waiting for my food at the bar, I saw several fruity drinks waiting to be consumed. Those look good, I thought. I wish I could drink one. I went back to reading my book and right when I hit on a good part, my food was up. I walked it back to my car and thought how nice it must be to be able to just go out to dinner. Suddenly I was caught up in an inner dialogue with myself.

>But don't you go out to dinner, sometimes?
>>Yes, but it's not the same as those people.
>Why?
>>Because I can't just order whatever I want.
>But don't you?
>>Well, I guess, but I don't order drinks, because I don't need the drinks. I only order food.

Then I thought about Starbucks. Starbucks for me, apart from the rest of America, is not a need. It is only a luxury, therefore whenever I get it it is considered a treat, and is accompanied with a side of guilt. (I am starting to notice a pattern here.)

Without making myself seem too crazy, I hope, I continued:
>When will you be able to actually go out to eat and order whatever you want without feeling guilty?
>>When I have paid off my credit card and what I am ordering is paid with actual money in the bank. It's just like with watching tv. I can't enjoy time sitting watching tv unless the house is straight, the dishes are done, the bathroom is clean, etc. etc.
>So, basically, a,b, and c have to be in precise order for happiness to result.
>>Yes.
>And will the house ever be completely clean?
>>No.
>Will you ever have nothing that needs to be done?
>>No.
>Uh-huh. So, basically you can never be happy.
>>I guess not.

Once I got in my car, my CD of The Hour I First Believed resumed mid-conversation. The main character had just boarded a plane and was speaking with the nut job beside him. The nut job turned out to be a professor who teaches mathematics and philosophy and who immediately broke into a full-fledged lecture on Chaos Theory. Chaos theory. The theory that one tiny change in an environment causes greater effects down the road, effects that are not predictable. "Order", nut job says, "breeds habit. But chaos breeds life." It is called chaos because of its inherent unpredictability. Life is also unpredictable. Therefore, chaos is life, life chaos. So, there is no a + b + c = happiness. Things are always changing, tasks are always reproducing like rabbits, money is always disappearing and then showing up in unexpected places. People are always disappearing from your life, new ones showing up in unexpected places. Waiting until things are precisely right before you decide to enjoy life means you will spend your whole life waiting.

>Do I then splurge? Spending money I don't have, consuming things I don't need?
>>No, you simply take life in abundantly. Life is free.

P.S. I wrote tonight. 8 pages front and back. About two, two and a half hours worth. No stops. In the past it's been a cause for celebration, something to blog about, pat myself on the back for. Tonight it was quieter than that. I wanted to write and I wrote. No biggie. You know how several people can tell you the same thing in different ways, and you fully comprehend what they're telling you, but not until one day, with the stars perfectly aligned in the sky, does it click. I think that's what happened last night. My husband said just write, and I just wrote.


Could a flap of this little guy's wings cause an earthquake in Thailand? I don't know, but I like the idea that we're all linked.