Wanting more...

I was thinking more about my post from last night. I decided that some of the items on the list weren't necessarily bad, apart from that one word- should. So I changed it to want and restated them to myself to see if they were true. For example, I want to sleep- yes; I want to work on my current project- maybe; I want to drink less Coke- no. Simple enough, right? But it was this enormously eye-opening experience. Before I went to sleep, my brain automatically went about its usual task of dividing each minute of the following day practically down to bathroom breaks. I immediately stopped it. Instead of planning out what I should do tomorrow, maybe I will just see how I feel when I wake up. Now, this may not seem a big deal to you, but to me, just seeing how I feel is the most ridiculous idea. I always plan ahead, and not just a thing or two, but always more than my time allots just in case I can actually accomplish it, which I never do, which of course ends up making me feel guilty.

Ok, so the eye-opening part- I wake up this morning and ask myself, what do you want to do, dewin? What do I want to do? What do I want to do? I did not have a single clue. I sat up in bed for several minutes trying to figure out what I actually wanted to do. I could come up with a million things I should do. But what did I feel like doing? Not a clue.

Again today I read an interesting passage in my SAT prep session. This one was a short untitled excerpt. It more or less stated that humans are the only animals who laugh and cry. The reason: because no other animal has the ability to visualize both what is and what ought to be. Animals only see what is. But because we are capable of imagining what "should" be, we feel emotion. A pretty cool thought. So, if only I could imitate the animals a bit and just deal with what is, right now, instead of comparing it to the way I ought to be living life, maybe I could be chill like the penguins, calm like the platypus. And maybe I'd actually get more done, like the busy beaver.

I want to add a brief notation here that I apologize if I sometimes sound like I am repeating myself with this blog. I feel like the first couple months I had all these new thoughts to process, and now that I've outlined them all here, it's like my brain is going back to each one involuntarily and digging just a little bit deeper. So, I know I wrote a similar blog to this in the past. But I think it was more discussing my desire to give up the shoulds. Now I am ready to actually map out a plan and do it. Because I want to.


I may not know what I want, but I do know that I don't want my life lined up in picture perfect order. First of all, it's boring, second, impossible.