Standing up...

1. The two times I worked in daycares with practices I didn't approve of, and I quit without leaving notice.

2. The time I took my first professional job, pretending I was capable.

3. The time I told a friend to her face that she'd made me mad and I didn't want her in my wedding.

4. The time I stood up and screamed in the middle of a restaurant when my rights were violated.

5. My first art show when I put my work out to be judged by others whose opinions could not be swayed by their personal feelings for me.

Those are the five times I stood up to my fear. Five times that were the most uncomfortable times of my life. Even when you stand up against fear, you're still fearful. But it's like you're saying so what. Yeah I'm scared, so what? They say that the strongest samurais study with monks to learn how to lose their fear of death. Because anyone who does not fear death cannot be beaten, is in effect invincible. In fact, one of the survivors of Flight 1549 that I read about said that for a time, he felt he could walk out into the middle of traffic and the cars would stop. Opposed to what an outsider might think, they were no longer afraid of flying, they no longer feared death because they'd seen it, most had made their peace with it, some even looking forward to it.

The one thing, aside from knowing my husband, that has taught me the most in my life was my three years working at Hubbard House, a domestic violence shelter. You learn fast that everything is not black and white, or even gray. It's more of a kaleidoscope of colors. Procedure required me to call in several reports to Children's Services in my time there, many of which I didn't want to make. You come in thinking if a child is being abused, the best thing is for them to get out of that situation. But you learn that it is rarely this way. Ripping a child out of his or her own family can be traumatic. Sending a child to foster care or a youth center can be dangerous. Children, like all people, cling to what they know.

Death is the ultimate definition of the unknown. We can talk in detail about what we believe will happen, but behind that lovely picture is a void. We don't know, yet it looms in front of us. The worst part of the event, many passengers said, was the feeling of being out of control, strapped into this doomed machine with no way out. From the moment of birth, we have only one way out. But we stand up to our fear every day by moving forward. By living. Though we may be fearful underneath, so what?


One of the decorated graves at the graveyard we visited where people were just chillin and hanging out with their loved ones.