Wanting more AND less...

Lately I have been working myself into a hole in the ground. I'm exhausted. In fact I work so much that when I'm not working, I feel guilty, like I'm being selfish. I was driving home from one such long day of work this week and- big surprise here- I was listening to Ben Folds. It was one of those songs that gets stuck inside you and has to get out. Plus the fact that I never get to listen to music in my car anymore because I'm always listening to a book on cd. Don't get me wrong, I love my books, they just make the time spent jamming out that much sweeter. So I was pounding my hands on the steering wheel and bobbing my head like Vince Neil when the words came out of my mouth, "Because I want to". It's a simple line in answer to a simple question, yet I loved the way it made me feel. Imagine making your decisions as easily as that- just because it's what you want. The thought blew my mind, so I decided to try it on for a few days. Whenever I was trying to make a decision, while my brain was untangling how this person would react and what was intrinsically the right thing and how much money it would take and which people it would piss off, I stopped and asked myself- what do you want? Nothing dramatic, but it felt like I'd found this shortcut to figuring out the secret of the universe. For whatever reason, what I want had transformed in my brain into the definition of selfishness. I think it's always been that way for me for some reason. I can do something for no other reason than I want to; it doesn't have to be any more complex than that. I don't even need to explain it any more than that. Maybe this sounds mundane and obvious to some, but to me it is the greatest new found freedom in the world.

Last night, again after a ridiculously long day of working all three jobs in one 12+ hour period, I was driving home and- you'll be glad to hear this- listening to something other than Ben. It was They Might Be Giants. Same scenario, only completely opposite. I was singing along to a song I've sung a thousand times before, only this time, for some reason, it hit me as absurd. The song, silly as most TMBG songs are, went- "I don't want anything; I don't want anything, now that I have everything." And I kinda laughed to myself thinking, what a thought to not want anything. To have everything. Impossible. It reminded me of my last post about how we're always praying to change our circumstances. I realized that praying or even wishing for things, no matter how deserving we are, is focusing our energies on the negative- what we don't have. Instead, our prayerful, thoughtful time would be better spent being thankful for the things we do have. Duh, right? But it got me thinking about how much of our conversations, and, thereby, thoughts are based on want. The other day my coworker told me how she got Botox; another coworker complained about not getting a raise; I discussed losing weight with someone else. Want is flowing beneath our consciousness at almost every moment. What if when we look at a beautiful dress we think what a piece of art! instead of thinking how we wish we could afford it. What if when we see someone who exhibits some talent we don't possess, we think how wonderful it is that we have people with such gifts to share instead of thinking, I wish I could do that. I think negativity has to be eradicated on a moment by moment basis. You can't just say, I'm going to be more positive. You have to search out those little strands of darkness that flow within your thoughts every second.

Want can be a mode of empowerment, but when used improperly, can also be a method to madness. It can clear the way to goals and life purpose, from I want to read every book in the library to I want a burrito for dinner. Yet, if we let it loose in our minds, it can also lead us to tear ourselves down from the inside by convincing us of the one lie we fear most- we are not enough as we are, life itself is not enough- when the truth is we do have everything.


This is me when I don't pay attention to what I want. And, when I pay too much attention.