I feel that time offers a similar conundrum- the more you have, the more things you have to fill it with. I thought about this today while listening to The Story of My Life by Helen Keller. Her words are more poetry than prose. In the story she speaks a great deal about her education as a young child, only it's not the way you would expect to hear someone describe their schooling. Helen and her teacher, Anne Sullivan, conducted their lessons on gazebos, in trees, and at horse farms. She reveals that her teacher did not repeat lessons or quiz her on past subjects, because everything was taught in such a hands-on way that Helen always remembered it. In fact, she regards her education as the happiest time of her life. Listening to the flow of her words, as she describes the flowers she spent her days amongst, the trees and clouds her teacher used as metaphors to explain to Helen the meaning of abstract ideas, I thought, this is what I want my children's education to be like. I plan to home school, and immediately I saw a picture of myself lying on the grass listening to Helen's words with my child, as we look up to the sky. I want my child to be that excited about learning, to appreciate knowledge and thought for its beauty, rather than having facts pounded into their heads as typical schooling does.
I then asked myself, is this realistic? Would I really take the time to just lie in the grass with my child and listen to a story? I pictured myself as one of the moms I see on a day to day basis, rushing from here to there, spending my quality time with my child in a mini-van. Life will get in the way, I thought. There will be too much to do. That's when I started to think of time as money. You always want more, but when you get it, you just find more stuff to fill it with until it's overflowing. There is no time to do things just 'cause. I never do things for no good reason. Even when I'm taking time to myself, it's for a reason.
Today, I had a most glorious day off. I went to an Easter party at work, laid out at the pool, went for a run with my dog, and finished a book. But if I looked below the surface, each of those things was for a very logical reason. Very rarely do I something just 'cause. When I think of "just 'cause", I picture my second grade class when I used to teach in Duval County. It always astounded me the random things they would do when walking in line. No matter how many times I asked them walk quietly and still, it didn't happen. It just wasn't their nature. One boy would wave his arms, another would be jumping; one would make weird faces, another would dance to some unheard rhythm. It always struck me as funny, because I thought, what if adults did these random things?! That's the just 'cause I'm talking about.
Well, I have been invited to be an assistant at a writer's retreat next month in Colorado. I will be rubbing elbows with real players in the literary game- two actual published authors, two actual editors from Penguin and Random House, and an actual literary agent. On top of this, I have been allowed the amazing and completely terrifying privilege of submitting some of my work to be critiqued by them. I have spent the last couple of months playing with several different formats- essays, novels, short stories, even screenplays, but none of them fit. They all felt as though I were trying on someone else's clothes, someone much smaller than me. I didn't like it. So, instead I sent them a sampling of some of these blog entries. Though I felt unprofessional and green doing so, I knew that these were the only pieces that could represent as truly me.
In order to pull an adequate sample, I had to go back through and reread every single post I have made in the past nine months, a daunting task I was not looking forward to. But I put aside one full day, took my laptop outside, and sat in the sun and began to read. The hours that followed through til 2am were unexpected, to say the least. I not only really enjoyed reading them, but I was inspired by them. I had forgotten many, and reading them again, I learned so many things. It was as though I were coaching myself. The funny thing was that some of the conclusions I have come to in my newer posts, I had posted about in my previous posts! I suppose they were rerunning in my head for emphasis. But the greatest thing reading my own work did for me was remind me of the purpose of my writing.
The other evening I had dinner with my parents, when my dad brought up my writing. He asked me, "so why do you write?" I think this has been my problem. My father had no understanding of the purpose of doing something with no goal, no outcome. As have I. I put a hold on this blog so that I could focus on other writing projects. I wanted to write a book. I didn't care what format or what content. I just wanted that completed thing to touch. But as Helen Keller learned when her teacher explained to her the definition of love, not everything can be touched, seen, or heard. I don't need to have a physical book with my name on it to be a writer. I don't have to earn dollar one to enjoy writing. I don't have to be working toward a goal in order to be happy. Writing makes me happy. And, at this very point in time, writing this blog makes me happy, whether it's useful or practical or goal-oriented or not.
I have realized that since cutting back on this blog my thought process has gone from overflowing to barren. My mind has become enmeshed in my day to day. But I don't want to think because it has a purpose. I want to think just 'cause. I don't want to write because it has a purpose. I want to write just 'cause. I don't want to live because it has a purpose. I want to live just 'cause.
Helen Keller puts it so beautifully when she said, "I lived myself into all things". This is my definition for education, thought, writing, life. Interesting that someone who couldn't see saw things so clearly. Here's to daily blog posts! God, it feels good to be back!
Before my parents and I had dinner, we all got Mendhi tattoos at a booth at the Jax Jams for Haiti benefit show. I chose the symbol representing "Clarity" as that is something I am constantly craving, and wouldn't you know I found it through my own writing only days later. Unfortunately, the image is starting to fade with time, but I have a feeling now that the meaning will only sharpen as the days go by.
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