Easing up...

I am listening to the greatest audio book right now. In fact it saved me on my drive to Tampa this past weekend by keeping me awake. It was written by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, an amazing book whose movie version starring my fave, Julia Roberts as Elizabeth, is coming out on August 13th! I can't wait! This book, her follow up to EPL, is titled Committed, and is about her coming to terms with the idea of marriage. I actually didn't want to read it initially since I knew Gilbert had a negative view of marriage, so far off from my own. I didn't think I could relate. But I changed my mind because I love her style of writing so much, and I'm glad I did. The book takes an analytical look at marriage over history and is the perfect blend of research, religion, and personal anecdotes.

One facet she examines within the pages- or CDs in my case- is that of choice. She discusses a trip she once took to a Hmong village in Vietnam, during which she visited with several women to discuss their views on marriage. The Hmong are an ancient tribe who refuse to bend themselves to the rules of any society but their own. They live in small huts sleeping 12 or more members of extended family on the dirt floors within. In her time with these women, Elizabeth actually got very few of her questions answered. This, she states, was due to their two different languages- literally and figuratively. At one point, she asked the eldest woman of the family if she has a good husband. After several moments of silence and looks of confusion, the woman answered, he is not a good husband or a bad husband, he is just a husband.

From here, Elizabeth goes on to discuss the idea of choice in Western culture. These Hmong women each got married around age 13 and proceeded to meld into their role as mother and wife, as dictated by their culture. They had only that choice. In Western culture, however, we have innumerable choices on how to live our lives, bringing with it the necessity to judge what we deem as good and what we deem as bad. The Hmong never have to worry that they made the wrong decision. They never have to feel guilty or uncertain. Everything in their culture is simple; everything just is. There is no need for judgment.

So I guess the judgment I am always blogging against is the price that we pay for our ability to make choices. Some things about the Hmong culture are attractive to me- the simplicity, the clear definition of roles, the closeness of family. But a few important factors are terrifying to me- lack of privacy, lack of individuality, possibly even a lack of love. Is it possible to love truly when you are doing something because it is what is expected? I know my husband didn't have to marry. He certainly didn't have to marry me. This is what makes it all the more miraculous to me. I guess I have to go easy on our tendency to judge. I now know that is a worthwhile sacrifice for the ability to know that my husband is a good husband.


The ability to bend life according to your own choices is a priceless privilege of our culture. The kids I encountered at the thespian festival have chosen to focus their energies on the world of drama, thereby creating their own tribe. Seeing them work off of each other was powerful. You could just tell that it was their shared passion that allowed them to move free from judgment- of themselves or of others.

***I have posted 2 new sets to my flickr page- one of the little guy and one of the thespian conference. Please check 'em out!

flickr.com/dewindesigns