Powering up...

Today I started reading A Brother's Journey. It was written by Dave Pelzer's brother, Pelzer being the man whom I have blogged about a few times who endured a childhood of severe torture and abuse at the hands of his mother. Dave was pulled from his home when authorities became aware of what was going on behind closed doors. However, Dave's four brothers remained, Richard becoming the new "it" for his mother's sick games. This book is written from Richard's point of view.

Richard was Dave's little brother, and because his birth came after Dave had become the outcast of the family, this was all he knew. Before Dave left home to be placed into foster care, his mother had brainwashed Richard into being her little spy. His job was to tell on Dave for any petty crimes he might have, or might not have in this case, committed. In the book, Richard talks of how he gained love from his mother any time he would tell on Dave. Soon, he began to plant evidence and create scenarios placing imaginary blame on Dave just to 1, gain the approval of his mother, 2, keep her from abusing him instead, and 3, feel powerful. He talks about how it gave him a feeling of control when he watched his mother beat Dave because of his tattling. Of course, laced in with these feelings were those of guilt and fear. He was a child at this time, only 5 or so years of age, unaware of anything resembling normalcy in a family.

I started this story imagining it to be just another story of abuse. But I was wrong. This story is unique and special in that it gives us a glimpse behind the eyes of the abuser. You don't see many books written by abusers. Their actions are usually not something they want remembered and publicized in print. Not to mention that few probably have enough self insight to do so in the first place. So how brave for this man to admit that, though he knew it to be wrong, he gained power by essentially beating down someone else, just as an actual abuser would. Though he didn't raise the hand, he manipulated it.

The thing I found most interesting was that he made the connection between what he was doing and the teasing and torment he received from his classmates at school. He writes that he was constantly picked on and beaten up by his age mates because of his clothing and his tendency to stutter. He hated the feeling of smallness and inferiority it placed on him. So, he looked to his power over Dave to make up for it. If he couldn't get it from one place, he'd get it in another, even if it meant he had to deal with the resulting guilt.

This was a huge eye opener for me. We all need a certain amount of power and control over our own lives. It begins with the simple progression from sitting to standing to the "I can do it myself" phase. We learn to manipulate our environment to earn our desired outcome. But once we enter that realm of social progression, it becomes a little more difficult when we realize we can't control others the way we can a cup or our shoe laces. We still have needs- acceptance, closeness, love- but the methods of achieving them are sometimes out of our mental grasp. If we can't get that connection via positive means, we will get it via negative ones.

So we have to ask if someone is being a powermonger in one area, in what other area is this power lacking? It is completely healthy for us to experience some power in our lives, so long as it is not taking power from another. Maybe this is the explanation behind the fact that people are so tied to being "right", as I have posted about in the past. Maybe it's a feeling of power that they yearn for. For example, if I am a certain religion, and I say it is right, using God as my backup, then that gives me power over those who are not the same religion. Or if I am straight, claiming gay people are wrong, I then gain power over them. This kind of power is harmful, because it is taking away power from another. And that kind of power is not power at all, but a shrouded cry for control over own our life.


Power can either draw lines or circles.