Forgiving myself...

I would like to lay out a bit of a trilogy. Last week my husband told me a story. He had been driving near our house slowing down to turn into the parking lot of a store when he almost t-boned a truck that pulled across on-coming traffic and in front of him. My husband was so shocked at the sheer closeness of the truck, he followed it to ensure that the driver was ok. He pulled up near the the truck as it parked next to a gas pump, rolled down his window, and said, "man, you're lucky I have good brakes!" The gentleman immediately fired back, "you're lucky you didn't hit me". "Excuse me?" my husband said. The man repeated himself, to which my husband decided not to back down. "Well, I actually came over here to see if you were alright, but if you're going to be rude about it, how about we get back in our cars, drive back over there, I hit you this time, and we'll see what the police have to say about it." The point is my husband was not attacking this person, yet he already had his guard up defending his mistake.

Last weekend at my hotel job, I noticed a package deal incoming that needed to be prepared. As I rolled my eyes- this meant more work for me and the housekeepers- I went about getting the package ready. This encompasses about a 10-step process. I remembered 9 of them. Because of that final step left incomplete, the smallest step of them all, the guest did not receive the correct room, resulting in their unhappiness, which was taken out on my friend who worked the night shift, and my boss having to comp the room. When I found out about it later, there was no denying I had made a mistake. However, my immediate reaction was that of- well it was this person's fault too and that person's and that person's! Luckily, I only freaked out to my friend, and by the time I talked to my manager about it the next day, I was ready to own up that it was only my fault, that I was sorry, and that it wouldn't happen again.

All of the stress I had experienced the night before, including trying to share blame with others, was lifted just with those simple words- I fucked up and I'm sorry. Last week I had a meeting with my life coach. We did some work using Byron Katie's methods. Byron Katie uses this thing called the turnaround. It's based on the idea that whatever we disdain about others is something we do ourselves. So far, I have found this to be of ultimate truth. In our work I dealt with some anger I have felt toward someone whom I believe has been manipulating my husband. Because my statement was 'So-and-so manipulates my husband', the turnaround was 'I manipulate my husband'. At first I literally couldn't get the words out. What a horrible statement. But once I made a conscious effort to just say them, the reality behind them came forth.  The actual admittance to myself of my own actions was so much more freeing than holding onto the denial of the fact. I immediately accepted that this is something I have done as well, and that's ok. Later, I pointed it out to my husband, who hadn't seen it that way either.

The thing is with all the lawsuits, wrongful this and that, policies, paperwork, and fine print floating around today, we have become so quick to jump on the defensive when someone, including ourselves, accuses us of not being 100% perfect. But I've found this past week that coming out straight-off and admitting yes I messed up, now what can I do to fix it brings so much more freedom. Whatever you loath about someone else, chances are you are doing it right now in some shape or form. Realizing this not only brought me peace with myself, but peace through understanding the other person's actions.


Last night when I checked my work email, there was one in my box from the general manager of the hotel. In it, he thanked me for my work last weekend. He recognized that we were short-staffed and told me he appreciated those 9 steps that I did remember. After a whole week of mentally berating myself over the whole thing, I realized the second most important step to dealing with the fact that we as humans will never be perfect- forgiving yourself for it.

 A flower.  Sometimes I feel like this is the view of life we're given, and we have to just squint and turn our head to the side to see it for what it truly is.