If yesterday was my day of being molded, today I received the polish. Last night as I was lying in bed desperately trying to fall asleep despite my level of giddiness from the day's challenges overcome, I was taken aback by the giant smile that usurped my face and refused to leave. How often in my life have I stopped, smiled, and thought, wow, this is my life. Very few.
Last night was one of the most powerful moments I've ever experienced. It kind of makes tonight seem redundant as I faced another, though completely different, overwhelming fear of mine. Though my brain told me to run, I opened my computer and read my work in front of a room full of people. I did. I was certain everyone could hear my teeth chattering, see my palms sweating, and feel my absolute terror. But after I paused briefly mid-way to find my place, I suddenly felt calm, as though this were something I do everyday. And, before I knew it, it was over. My entire thirty years of life completely changed in a matter of five minutes (not to be too over-dramatic). But that is what this retreat has meant to me. It represents a turning point. The point where I stand up and claim my life as my own. And, do you know what someone told me afterward? That I have a confident voice.
That confidence and fear are not related in our culture is unclear to me. Everyone I have ever talked to, confident or not, admits they feel fear. There were some amazing writers tonight who were just as nervous to read as I. Confidence is doing it anyway. Confidence is believing in yourself enough to grab what you want no matter what fears you have to cross. Confidence is having enough faith in life to know it will provide for you. And, tonight, confidence was me.
This is Ruh (pronounced Roo), the service dog for one of the writers here at the retreat. He weighs more than I do. Significantly more. But he is the sweetest cuddliest dog I have ever met.
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1 comments:
Good for you Kiddo!
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