Wiping the grime off...

As I have written before, I went to a college prep school where everyone was smarter, more athletic, prettier, cooler (the list goes on) than me. To this day, whenever I receive one of the school's quarterly magazines with all the updates from everyone, I literally get sick to my stomach. Reading about how everyone is a lawyer, went backpacking through Europe last summer, and has four beautiful kids and a mansion makes me want to puke. I hated the competition then, and I hate it even more now. So I challenge myself to throw the damn thing in the trash before I even open it.

I don't want to compare myself anymore. The only people I feel are useful as comparison are the previous me's. I like to see how much I've grown. Not that I was bad before, just different. This is one of the things that amazed me about my circle of writing friends at the retreat. Not once did it feel like a beauty contest of whose writing was better than another's. It was quite possibly the first time I have been in a situation where each individual's unique strengths were honored and appreciated. It encourages me to strive for that in all areas of my life.

In my work with Byron Katie, I have learned that much of the time the actions we project on others are actions that we ourselves are undertaking. Therefore, if I feel that others are judging me, I have to look inside myself and admit that I am judging others (and myself). If I can make a conscious effort to change, I believe I can wipe the grime off the view hole, as No Doubt says.


Here's proof of something else cool. There are times when you feel no one understands you- until you open your eyes and see that they always have. The weekend before my trip, I was at an art festival with my dad. He picked out the most beautiful, most me bracelet I have ever received. When I saw it, I was so comforted. Though it may sound superficial, it was proof that my dad got me. On my trip, the resident agent was the one who asked me to come and photograph the foxes because she knew I'd love to. And, once there, she is the one who showed me this amazingly beautiful antique hinge. She said she thought I'd like it. I did. She'd known me three days. This is proof of why people need people to reflect themselves back to them. I think this is a major piece in how we get to know ourselves.