Watching the breeze...

A friend sent me this quote today:

You are holding onto the need for a proof, a testimony, an authority.  You still imagine that truth needs to be pointing at you telling you: 'Look, here is the truth'.  It is not so.  Truth is not the result of an effort, the end of a road.  It is the here and now. - Sri Nissargadata Maharaj

  

I have been trippin' on it for the past hour.  I suppose all my writing here is my vain search for the truth.  And, in searching for truth, one is really searching for meaning.  Why are we here?  What am  I supposed to be doing with my life?  How do I do it "right"?

Normally I get very depressed when my husband is on tour.  Being alone for me is worse than lonely, it makes me feel useless.  I have no one to take care of, no one to look forward to seeing.  I therefore often suffer from a bought of wondering what the point of life is, which is never fun.  My goal this tour has been to spend more time in silence, a la Tolle.  In the past I have kept the tv on at all times when alone, just to ease the silence.  I either filled my hours with work or an oversaturated schedule in order to avoid what I felt was the recognition of my pointlessness.  However, I was thinking about it the past month or so, and realized I have all these high hopes for my future children in my head, yet I don't meet any of them.  Why would I want something for my child that I wouldn't want for myself?  I want them to be active, spend most of their time outdoors, be able to be surrounded by silence, not need to be entertained every second.  The final two have been knocking me about lately.  If I can't do these things myself, how will I teach my children?  So I set my goal for this tour to spend more time doing "nothing", in other words reading, writing, sitting, pondering, being outside, tv off.  Man, I thought it'd be hard, but it has fit like a glove.  Like it was exactly what I needed.  It's sad to realize that I truly considered reading and writing nothing.  But I'm so used to doing things I have to do, doing things I want to is unheard of. 

Today I spent three and a half hours in my hammock outside watching the wind.  And reading a bit.  Instead of reading one of my current books, which are mostly academic, I pulled a new novel off the shelf.  Lately I've been reading books for a purpose- summer reading, writing instruction, or for my review blog.  It was fun to read a book just 'cause.  The point is I was able to sit with myself and not go crazy riding my thoughts into oblivion.  I hung out with Florida for the afternoon and we had an amazing time together.  That sounds like I'm trying to be cutesy, but I'm not.  That's really what it felt like.  Hanging out with an old friend I had been neglecting.  So maybe the truth is in silence as opposed to words.  Shit.  Does this mean I have to stop blogging?

I <3 Florida.