The difference this time is I still want all the things I did before. I still want a creative life, in photography and writing. I still want to travel quite a bit, which I am. I still want to hike and explore Florida, which thanks to quitting my hotel job, I am again. But still something is missing. I thought now that I am old I would be settled and this feeling would die right along with my "I can eat anything" figure. I was wrong.
This feeling- and I'll warn you ahead of time, Dad- makes me want to run out and get a huge tattoo. Or sell everything I own and live in a shack. Or quit my job and go live in Liberia or something. So I guess stuck is what you would call it. But nothing is wrong. It's like John Mayer said: "Friends- check. Money- check. A well slept opposite sex- check." Yet still, "It doesn't help the hunger pains and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate."
A thirst for life. Last night as I lie in bed, a familiar anger consumed me. The anger that of all the people in the world, shouldn't I know what I want to do? Then something new occurred to me. Maybe it's not what I want that I'm looking for. Hell, if it were up to me, I'd want a bunch of stupid shit that money could buy. What I am looking for is what the world wants of me. Not the world in a popular sense but in a universal sense. I guess what was I put here for, to put it in cliched language. But the challenge here is that the world does not speak English. It speaks through Being. And, after too many years on this planet, I feel like a native whose land was overtaken by white people. I have had English forced down my throat for so long that I no longer understand my native tongue. At this point, I am probably no longer making any sense, another reason why I have ceased to blog about this stuff til now. But I am getting somewhere- I hope.
So this brings me to my current challenge: to learn how to speak the language of the cosmos. No I'm not going to go out and pick up a copy of A Brief History of Time, although that is on my other list of challenges, along with War and Peace and Crime and Punishment. I think my first step is one I have mentioned before and since accomplished- that of accepting silence. Usually, when my husband is on tour, I have a habit of leaving the tv on whether I am watching it or not just for the lame company of noise. But these past few trips and since I have gotten rather accustomed to sitting with my thoughts or a book as my only companions. It's not so bad. Just wish I had a front porch to do it on still.
How else am I going to hear what I am supposed to do unless I sit still and listen? This is where my cynical side rears it angry head. American life is all about jumping in your car, grabbing something quick to eat, rushing to do this for that person and that for this person, and trying to sneak in some sleep in between. This is the absolute definition of "speaking English". And I want no part of it. But how to exist in a sphere that you are not a part of? Again, this makes me want to apply for my Visa and try Australia or even England. Sure they speak English there, but they don't speak our dialect of rush, hurry, and worry. Again, my motivation behind all of this is to be closer to life. I have a habit of trying too hard for things like this, and making my challenges more difficult than need be. In fact, my husband said something extremely eye-opening to me the other day. He said, "you find more ways to make yourself miserable than anyone else I know." He's so right. Hopefully that stops some day in the near future. I am going to see the new movie, Eat, Pray, Love today and I am hoping it will be of some inspiration. The book sure was, and adding Julia Roberts into the mix can only bring about positive results!
There's always more to see below the surface.
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3 comments:
I wonder - if you just took one week to be as negative as you wanted to be on here - would that purge you of all of it? It often times works for me!
Did you like the movie? I am a HUGE fan of the book - saw the movie, it was nice. Left out a lot, of course.
Really? I thought they for one did a good job of including a little of everything. Of course that means they didnt get into much depth on any one subject, but I think the important things- her relationships- were the ones they highlighted. So I was really happy with it. Definitely strengthens my desire to live in another country. Bali was gorgeous!
Every time I read your blog I (a) really start thinking about my true motivations behind what I do, and (b) realize how similar we really seem to be.
I think "you find more ways to make yourself miserable than anyone else I know," has been said to me, by your husband as well actually. I don't know how to expect anything less than perfection from myself, and when I inevitably don't reach it, I'm disappionted in myself. And on the flip side, I know how hard I try to make others happy and how much I care about those around me...and when they inevitably just don't care or try anywhere near hard as I do, it crushes me. I'm both too sensitive and not sensitive enough.
And I've been feeling the whole stranger in a strange land/what do I want to do/where am I going pinch lately as well. It's resulting in some major life changes a bit down the road. I'm a bit unsure of my motivations, but am certain none-the-less that it is the right decision for me. I don't usually go along with the ends justifying the means theory, but right now, I'm relying on it.
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