Yesterday I went back in time and worked a shift at the hotel to help out. I was scheduled by myself, so I was worried I wouldn't remember anything. It's been three months since I left, after all. When I got there and had to sign into the computer system, I just stared blankly. I couldn't remember even my password. Had someone asked me- what do you do in this situation, I would've paused and reflected. I might not have known, or at the very least been unsure. But somehow no matter what happened throughout the shift, my body moved, my mouth spoke, and my tone came out with confidence. It was almost like it was programmed within me without my knowledge. As though my brain had no part in it.
I think life's that way. No one tells us how to live. Sure, we learn a few things as we go along, but it seems that the important parts have been pre-programmed. Which is why I am depending on that system to lay down some bread crumbs for me. I've been feeling a bit lost lately, pulled in different directions, yet stuck at the very same time. I sense that there is more for me. I'm feeling claustrophobic in my life. Not in my relationships, those are great. But in me. It's as though there is something inside trying to break free. As cliche as it sounds, sometimes things are cliche for a reason.
Maybe it's the human condition to become overly reliant on the brain. As though it knows all. But I think I'd like to try cruising on auto-pilot for a while. Because I feel like it is my brain that's holding me back. I don't want to think through life. I want to experience it.
This is my friend Jess. She says you can't learn about giving birth from a book. You have to experience it, and somehow your body just knows what to do. Same as your first kiss, falling in love, and creating the baby in the first place. If all of the important things in life happen on auto-pilot, then why can't everything else?
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1 comments:
:-) Auto Pilot - yep.
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