Self-imposing...

I have been working on an essay with one of my students regarding the idea of life as an illusion, a flexible, self-imposed reality.  I was intrigued by the topic immediately, but didn't quite sense its complete truth until the other day.  I woke up to a beautiful, sunny day.  It was the perfect temperature outside, not too cold as it has been.  I had only a few students to see.  My husband was coming home in a matter of hours.  I was looking forward to lunch at my favorite place.  I could go on and on to make my point that, by all outward appearances, it was a wonderful day.  But inside of me, it was not so wonderful.

My head was a mess of anxiety, worry, misery, and anger.  It was so strong, in fact, that it stretched out to my every limb.  My stomach began to hurt, my legs became sore, my entire body exhausted.  The culprit was of my very own making.  I had a meeting scheduled for later that day, and, though it hadn't even happened yet, I had already played it all out in my head a thousand ways.  Of course, every single way ended with either my becoming upset, the other party becoming upset, or both of the above.  It was an unquestionable mess waiting to happen, and all I could do was sit and anticipate its arrival.

Well, as one might suspect, the meeting was fine and a very pleasant experience.  But it didn't matter.  I had worked myself up so much in the waiting for it that the rest of my day was a waste.  I was mush.  I couldn't think, I couldn't feel, I could hardly move.  I came home, laid on the couch with my baby blanket and watched four episodes of Gilmore Girls in a row.  I paint this embarrassing picture only to show how true my student's essay really is.  Had I not created this false scenario in my mind, my day- my reality- would have been great.  Why do I do this to myself?  You would think I would want myself to be happy.  But it seems lately that that unfortunately is not the case.   

My husband recently shared with me a quote from one of his favorite movies, The Shawshank Redemption.  He said, you have to either "get busy living or get busy dying."  I just wish someone would explain that to my brain.