Wanting more AND less...

Lately I have been working myself into a hole in the ground. I'm exhausted. In fact I work so much that when I'm not working, I feel guilty, like I'm being selfish. I was driving home from one such long day of work this week and- big surprise here- I was listening to Ben Folds. It was one of those songs that gets stuck inside you and has to get out. Plus the fact that I never get to listen to music in my car anymore because I'm always listening to a book on cd. Don't get me wrong, I love my books, they just make the time spent jamming out that much sweeter. So I was pounding my hands on the steering wheel and bobbing my head like Vince Neil when the words came out of my mouth, "Because I want to". It's a simple line in answer to a simple question, yet I loved the way it made me feel. Imagine making your decisions as easily as that- just because it's what you want. The thought blew my mind, so I decided to try it on for a few days. Whenever I was trying to make a decision, while my brain was untangling how this person would react and what was intrinsically the right thing and how much money it would take and which people it would piss off, I stopped and asked myself- what do you want? Nothing dramatic, but it felt like I'd found this shortcut to figuring out the secret of the universe. For whatever reason, what I want had transformed in my brain into the definition of selfishness. I think it's always been that way for me for some reason. I can do something for no other reason than I want to; it doesn't have to be any more complex than that. I don't even need to explain it any more than that. Maybe this sounds mundane and obvious to some, but to me it is the greatest new found freedom in the world.

Last night, again after a ridiculously long day of working all three jobs in one 12+ hour period, I was driving home and- you'll be glad to hear this- listening to something other than Ben. It was They Might Be Giants. Same scenario, only completely opposite. I was singing along to a song I've sung a thousand times before, only this time, for some reason, it hit me as absurd. The song, silly as most TMBG songs are, went- "I don't want anything; I don't want anything, now that I have everything." And I kinda laughed to myself thinking, what a thought to not want anything. To have everything. Impossible. It reminded me of my last post about how we're always praying to change our circumstances. I realized that praying or even wishing for things, no matter how deserving we are, is focusing our energies on the negative- what we don't have. Instead, our prayerful, thoughtful time would be better spent being thankful for the things we do have. Duh, right? But it got me thinking about how much of our conversations, and, thereby, thoughts are based on want. The other day my coworker told me how she got Botox; another coworker complained about not getting a raise; I discussed losing weight with someone else. Want is flowing beneath our consciousness at almost every moment. What if when we look at a beautiful dress we think what a piece of art! instead of thinking how we wish we could afford it. What if when we see someone who exhibits some talent we don't possess, we think how wonderful it is that we have people with such gifts to share instead of thinking, I wish I could do that. I think negativity has to be eradicated on a moment by moment basis. You can't just say, I'm going to be more positive. You have to search out those little strands of darkness that flow within your thoughts every second.

Want can be a mode of empowerment, but when used improperly, can also be a method to madness. It can clear the way to goals and life purpose, from I want to read every book in the library to I want a burrito for dinner. Yet, if we let it loose in our minds, it can also lead us to tear ourselves down from the inside by convincing us of the one lie we fear most- we are not enough as we are, life itself is not enough- when the truth is we do have everything.


This is me when I don't pay attention to what I want. And, when I pay too much attention.

Enlarging my living space...

Today I discovered the wonder that is Shuffle. In the interim- waiting for my new audio book to arrive- I was cruising the town listening to my iPod. I couldn't decide what I felt like, so I decided to set it to Shuffle. What a wonderful world that was created! A place where No Doubt is followed by Martha and the Vandellas, which precedes Tori Amos, all leading up to Garth Brooks! Whew! Although I was jamming to all of them, it was the Garth Brooks song that perked my ears (and neurons) on this particular day.

I haven't listened to Garth in years, so when the song came on, I reached to turn it to the next song, but stopped. Sometimes it's nice to relive the eighth grade. The title of the song I heard is Unanswered Prayers, and as I sang along, I started to feel the words turning into molasses in my mouth. They didn't want to come out at the same time that they flowed. The song, for those of you who aren't cowboys, is about him thanking God that not all of his prayers were answered because what we wish for in youth is often not as good as what we really end up with. True. Very true. However, the whole thought behind the song irked me. The line, "And if He'd only grant me this wish I wished back then, I'd never ask for anything again," summed up my thoughts perfectly. Because this is what people have done to God.

People have taken this energy that is so great, immense beyond all measure, and pressed and squeezed it into this small, manageable, somewhat more understandable, being, slapped a human face on it and stuffed him into a safe place where he can only come out when called upon. It brought to mind another of my innumerable favorite movies, Disney's version of Aladdin. Although perhaps not consciously, God is treated as this genie that we talk to to make wishes. We pray that we will get the boyfriend we want or the job we want. We pray for more money, greater opportunities, better health, an easier life. But all of these wishes are based on fear. We are afraid that we can't survive on less. We do not put our trust in God to get us through a difficult life. In essence that is what we are saying when we ask God to change our circumstances. We are saying, "I don't trust that you have provided me with all that I need." "I think you are wrong." "I need more."

This is the dangerous side of the American way. America was built on the ideal of constantly wanting more out of life. But what if we changed it? What if our ideal shifted to being happy with what we have? Whether we're living in the Hollywood Hills or homeless on the street, the picture of health or dying from cancer. Of course, there will always be change. But does there have to be more? Does it have to be bigger? Must it continue to get better? What if our relationship with God resembled less of us rubbing on a genie's lamp and more of us reveling in the beauty of His immense power? Otherwise, it's just like Aladdin said, "Phenomenal cosmic powers. Itty bitty living space."


Another way I love that people have taken the power away from God is by taking his land and staking claim to it. You cannot find a field or a stream to just have a picnic on or go for a swim in anymore. Everything is Unauthorized and Prohibited. It's God's green Earth for crying out loud, we should all be able to enjoy it instead of each being stuck on our own individual tiny plots of land. No wonder we can't relate to each other or the environment.

Putting my trust in trust...

Today, I spoke with an acquaintance who is having marriage problems and asked for some advice. His main issue is one I'm sure everyone has dealt with at some point or another- trust. As I thought of what I would tell him, I reflected on my own experience. I have definitely been one to be wary in past relationships, but it's like Ben Folds says, "if you can't trust, you can't be trusted". This is my motto these days. All it took for me to change was a conscious decision that I was going to not only trust my husband, but God. When I started dating my husband, I knew he was a good person. And I trusted that God would provide for me. Not that he would magically make my husband more than human, but that if any mistakes were to be made, I would be aware of them and I, and our marriage, would subsequently be healed of the pain they caused. When it comes down to it, hard as it can be (especially when you have a husband who lives on a tour bus with females for weeks at a time across the world from where you are), you have to let it go. If you care about the person (and yourself), you have to trust them and let it go.

This is something that I am thankful I have been taught. God put me in the most trying positions not because he was trying to punish me but because he was telling me it's ok to let go. And I heard him. Now I try to transfer this outlook onto the world as a whole. Since I was a teenager, I have been deeply bothered by the negativity that happens outside my doorstep, from the tabloid magazines in the checkout line to the torments of the Jews throughout history. But I have to remind myself at those times when I am sure our human race is doomed that people deserve to be trusted. When I am worried about becoming a victim of crime as I lay in the dark at night, I remind myself that the world deserves to be trusted. When I worry about death, I remind myself that God deserves to be trusted.

Just as it is self-defeating to judge others, it can be just as harmful for us to judge events. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Not because of some magical romantic spell, but because God is trying to communicate to us and through us. It is our job while we're here to listen. So out of these bad things I ask myself, what do I need to learn from this? And, if I can't figure it out- well, I just keep trying. We spend 13+ years in school here on Earth so that we can be successful in the "real world". I believe that our time here on Earth is our schooling for the "real realm". Once we have learned all we can, we will be ready to move on.

Just like we must consciously throw our unconditional trust into our relationships with everyone we come into contact with, we must do so with life. We have to trust that, though life may not throw us the easiest situations like we want, it will teach us what we need in the long run that is eternity.


Eternity.

Ch-ch-ch-changin'...

On nights when my husband is working and I have some projects to get done, I usually like to put in an old movie- the kind I've seen so many times that I can zone in and out and not lose out on any of the storyline. Tonight as I was flipping through our DVDs, I stopped on Fried Green Tomatoes. I had thought about it earlier in the day, I can't remember why, but I decided it was a perfect choice. Before it started playing, I thought of how, out of all of my favorite movies, I think I would have to say that this one is my absolute favorite. I believe it to be the finest piece of storytelling I have ever encountered.

I caught part of another old favorite, Beaches, the other day on tv and I started to think of the similarities between the two and what makes them stand apart from the rest. The answer popped up in my mind immediately- character development. The problem with most other movies is that they mirror tv sitcoms. Much like cartoon characters wearing the same clothes every day, most characters on tv inhabit one particular stereotype that they remain trapped in from episode one all the way through to the series finale. The beautiful thing about these two particular movies is that they mirror life in their depiction of the shifts and changes of each character. That makes for honest storytelling.

When I was younger, I was afraid of change. I guess it makes sense. You spend most of your young life, at least I did, in one spot, basically wearing the same clothes. Then you get thrust into college where you're forced to decide yourself what you will eat for dinner and then, pretty much as soon as you're used to that, you're pushed out into the "real world" where you're forced to sign things that make decisions that affect you daily.

It took me until age 30 to come to befriend change and realize that she's not only a cool person to hang with every once in a while, but that she is a constant companion who helps me grow. The idea of a vast open future used to scare me. Now it excites me. Tonight I had dinner with friends I didn't even know existed 2 years ago in a place I didn't even know was around until 5 years ago. Who knows where I will live and who I will call my friends in another year. Who knows what I will believe, what I will have accomplished, and what will inspire me in five years. I love that when I look back on myself five years ago, even two years ago, I see someone completely unrecognizable. That blurred face was my pathway to the rad person that I am today. Had I not been so judgmental, I wouldn't appreciate the freedom that letting all that go brings. Had I not been so afraid, I wouldn't know the calm that faith carries. Had I not been so blinded by the physical world, I wouldn't be so grateful for my newly acquired ability to rise above it.

So, it turns out that my favorite part of my life story is character development as well. To pull from my last post, change may be uncomfortable, but it is so exciting!


Who knew that five years ago today a set of drums would change my life so drastically? Just like Meg Ryan says in, Sleepless in Seattle, "You make millions of decisions that mean nothing and then one day you order takeout and it changes your life". Only in my case I decided to learn how to play drums. :)

Getting uncomfortable...

In the book I am reading, written by the co-creator of the tv show, The Ghost Whisperer, the author states that no ghost he has ever communicated with has said he wished he were alive again. When I was working in social services, I dealt with kids who were in pretty bad home situations. More than a few times I had to call children's services to report their claims. And, every time the children were actually taken away, which luckily only happened a couple of times, the children were devastated. One would think that they would have been thrilled to leave an abusive situation. But even if foster care meant staying in a mansion in the Hollywood hills, they would've been miserable. Because we cling to familiarity. Our lives may be horrible, but the unknown- regardless of the fact that it could be better- is terrifying.

Likewise with life. Not that life is always horrible, but it's like we have these visions of heaven as perfect, with no pain and no sadness. Yet, we would fight to the death anyone who tried to take our life from us. We would do things we never thought we would just to preserve our current state of being. If Heaven is so great why aren't we excited to leave Earth and go there? Because it's the unknown.

Likewise with thought. We are each used to living in our own minds. We are thus attracted to like minds and build up our families and social circles with people of similar mental wavelengths. We get so used to living in our own created world that when we venture outside, out of our comfort zone, we are taken aback by the fact that not everyone lives and thinks the way we do. My favorite line from the movie Juno is "I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while". Familiarity breeds comfort, but it also generates staleness of thought. It's like living in a world of all yellow. It's cool for a while but eventually you want some blue in your world. You don't have to become it, but just to be near it makes the yellow all that more beautiful.


"There is no growth in the comfort zone, and no comfort in the growth zone."

Seeing the world through new eyes...

Ok, so I've been mulling over my prior post about Uncle Walter for over a week. I've had the sneaking feeling since I posted it that I didn't quite translate my ideas in their entirety. My initial point was to muddy the vision of the American stuck so strongly to his own view of the world that he becomes cynical and cantankerous. But I fear it came across as though I was saying it is wrong for people to have their own opinions period. Of course, this is not the case. So, I tried to break it down a little further in my head and figure out exactly what was bothering me about our country these days.

Everybody has opinions. It's practically impossible not too, and without opinions, nothing would be accomplished. But there are two different approaches to expressing those opinions. There is the act of sharing opinions, and there is the act of defending opinions. The first I liken to a conversation with a friend. You sit back and take turns discussing what's new in your life. It comes through naturally and without effort. The latter, on the other hand, I liken to a battle with an enemy. Your body posture becomes rigid; the conversation is monopolized; your speech is tense and your words calculated. This is where hate sneaks in its ugly little invisible head.

When your mind and body are both positioned like an animal about to be pounced, your subconscious kicks in with the fight or flight response. I myself am likely to fly. I hate confrontation. But many people will buck up and fight. Neither is healthy. For people like me who run away from discussing opinions, we suffer physical ailments from holding things in. We feel guilt for not standing up for our beliefs. We hide who we are as though we are somehow inherently wrong or inferior. Those who fight suffer from troubled relationships, anger issues, and detachment. But, both parties suffer the most from the same thing: never getting the chance to see the world through someone else's eyes.

We live here once- well, unless you believe in reincarnation. But, even if that is the case, we only live in this body in this time in this place once. Why would we not want to take the chance to see the world in as many different ways as we possibly can while we're here?

The good news is we don't have to fight, or flee. We can simply share our opinions with others as openly and freely as if we were discussing the weather. But the only way to do this is to place unconditional respect onto each other. And, this requires risk, which means the fighters need to try to let down their guard, and the flyers need to stand up. The only hindrance to this is when the farce of wrong and right enters the picture. As long as we all admit that no one knows, that we are all on an even playing field, this can take place. In the words of another Ben Folds song-

"So, why you gotta act like you know when you don't know?
It's ok if you don't know everything.
So why you gotta act like you know when you don't know?
It's ok- if you don't know everything."

I mean, really, when it comes down to it, what's more important- being right or respecting (aka loving) each other?


I was looking through the website for The Lovely Bones movie tonight and just seeing the images of it, I got pulled right back into the story and its many colors. I decided that if I ever write a book, that is the kind of story I want to write. The kind of story in which beautiful colors just stream from the pages into your soul as you read. So I decided to try to get a photo of my story. Maybe it will inspire me to write it.

Emptying out the noise...

It feels as though an eternity has passed since my last blog post, my mind has been so full. Unfortunately, my funk has continued into this week, and today I was in a very angry mood. One of my students was a no show, and though I wanted to spend the extra time finishing up my book, I couldn't calm my mind enough to be silent. So, instead I wrote. I wrote three separate blog entries. And, it felt great. It was like emptying out all the noise in my head. One thing my life coach taught me was that it is not only negative things that cause stress. Just trying to remember something causes stress, which is why she has me write down blog, art, and photo ideas the moment they arise, which is why she had me hide notebooks in every room of my house and constantly carry one in my purse. And it's been great. So, without further ado, today's jumbled thoughts, as translated from my purse notebook...

_______________________________


Today while one of my students took a bathroom break, I roamed the halls reading the literature affixed to the walls. In honor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day last month, the second graders had each written their "dreams" for their community, the nation, and the world. It was actually quite eye-opening reading their responses. There were some that focused on environmental issues, like "I have a dream that... everyone would recycle" or "I have a dream that... everyone would stop littering". Then there were the animal-friendly sort- "I have a dream that... all the strays would be put in the pet store so they could be safe" and "I have a dream that... people would stop shooting animals for no reason." But by far, the greatest number were some version of "I have a dream that... people would share their money and help others." Wow. What a concept. Immediately, my mental cannon started firing question after question- when do we as people lose that sense of oneness with each other? When do people become last and money and success become first? Why do we even bother teaching children these ideals of kindness, sharing, and teamwork when we as adults don't even use them? Because they're cute? As someone who has worked with kids since I was one, the thing I hate most about how some adults deal with kids is that they do so as though kids were put on this Earth to be cute and make you smile. They weren't.

So as I continued to wait, I thought about the lesson that would encompass the true ideals rewarded in this country today... "Ok, boys and girls, today's lesson is on things. Make sure to always hoard things and keep them to yourself. Instead of helping others, buy yourself things because things are the most important. And don't just buy things, but buy the most expensive things you can and buy a lot of them. Then, flaunt them in front of others as a sign of status. Now, as you work on your assignments, make sure you finish first and get the most right. But, most importantly, look down on those who finish after you. The only reason they do is because they are lazy."

If only a second grader could rule the world.

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People breed hate from fear. A simple example: a teacher wants to use the computer in the teacher's lounge, but finds someone on it. She is afraid to ask that person to use it, for fear of appearing rude, so instead posts a sign on the computer the next day reading, "Faculty Only". So, now there are the faculty who work at the school, and everybody else. With one simple, seemingly harmless sign, the team has been dismantled, and an "us" and "them" have been formed. One group belongs; one does not. This is called hate.

Ok, so I realize this sounds like the insignificant rantings of a spurned tutor, pissed she can't check her yahoo. That's because it is. But I found in my rantings the realization that hate sprouts in the smallest of unexpected places. Every second we spend separating people, making clean, clear-cut little groups, we have the simple effect of tearing us apart. Anytime there is an us and a them, hate is present. Anytime there is a "you're wrong" and an "I'm right", hate is there.

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In the book I am currently reading about the creation of the novel, Flowers for Algernon, the author, Daniel Keyes, discusses the highs and lows of being a writer. He writes of his excitement as the release date neared, and his subsequent emotional defeat when the first review came back negative. Although all of the following reviews were nothing less than glowing, still years later when he thinks of that initial review, he feels upset and angry.

The other day I received an email from one of my bosses, who is frequently calling me out on this minor error or that. As a result, I have frequently had the sneaking suspicion that he hates me. Now, I have a history of being paranoid in such matters as what people think of me. Yet it seems, though I know this and though my friends may tell me, "Dewin, you're just being paranoid", I remain unmoved. I am sure this person hates me, and I sure am upset about it.

So, last night I tried thinking of it in a different way. That one reviewer hated one story- a story, mind you, that later went on to sell millions of copies, win several literary accolades, and spawn the creation of three movies, a play, and a musical that won their own accolades. Similarly, when reading up on the movie, The Lovely Bones, which I went to see twice this weekend by the way, and which I would have not one qualm about labeling the best movie that ever was and will ever be made... in permanent marker... in cement, I saw several negative reviews of it. Believe it or not, I have even seen negative reviews of To Kill A Mockingbird, and yes, though it pains me to say, No Doubt, as well.

And, so it goes. You can't please everyone. And, here's why: My experience of Flowers for Algernon, like my experience of The Lovely Bones, is not the experience of someone else. Because any experience we have is based solely and wholly on our prior world experiences. Therefore, Flowers for Algernon is not one story, it is about a trillion trillion different stories. Every time it is read it becomes something new. In fact, if I were to read it again in 5 years, it would be a different story for me.

Likewise, I am one trillion trillion people. The way I see myself is not the way my husband sees me is not the way my mother sees me. So, whomever my boss happens to see me as is based on his prior life experience. And, if he hates that person, well, that's not on me. Because it isn't me. If Daniel Keyes truly believed that he had told the story of Flowers for Algernon as it deserved to be told, then his story is perfect as is.