Fine-tuning the everyday...

When I first started this blog what seems like four score ago, the purpose behind it was to encourage my photography- more specifically, to challenge myself to try things I had previously claimed to hate, which was my way of avoiding them out of fear.  Of course, my quest for pictures somehow transformed itself along the way into a odyssey of words.  Yet, here I stand wordless. 

So, I will take advantage of this emotional dichotomy I am so lucky to have.  Whilst my words deny me, I can hang on with my photos.  I've blogged before about how my two passions have, through no effort of mine, interacted with each other to bring about a better and more fulfilled me.  So, now I will lean on my photographer side and give my writing side a short rest.

My first challenge came to me whilst dining at the Sun Dizzle this week on the single greatest burger ever to have been in existence.  The Sun Dog is a little diner at the beach that displays and sells local artists' work with zero percentages taken.  I have had some photos hung there myself in the past.  Normally the pieces tend toward hokey beach art, but today they had some black and white photography on display.  I immediately liked them.  This surprised me.  Normally I hate black and white photography.  It seems to me that you could have your cat take a picture of its butt in black and white, and it would look striking.  But as soon as the word hate entered my brain, I stopped.  Ahhh, I must hate B&W because I'm afraid of it!

Strangely enough- and predictably, as I have found the universe to deliver things you need at the precise moment you need them, my father-in-law sent me a link to some primo examples of black and white photography at its best the very night I had decided upon my latest venture.  The timing couldn't have been more perfect.  Looking at amazing art can sometimes discourage me, when the demons of low self-esteem are lurking.  But this time, these images inspired me.  I can do this, I thought.  I've always believed B&W can be moving when used at the appropriate times.  A lot of photographers just apply it at random.  And so, today I embarked on my first jaunt into the world of B&W.  I will be traveling the wide and expansive regions of my house, searching for the everyday and mundane, playing with the light and shadows, and basically creating a bunch of bullshit photos in an attempt to discern the shit from the art.  It will be a beautiful journey, and I encourage you to join me by letting me know which, if any, bring forth the biggest reactions.  Yes, I realize we're looking at toilet paper rolls here, but I believe true photography can make even the lame look amazing.  


B&W Study: Phase 1- The Bathroom

Walking through the world...

Today I took part in the Worldwide Photo Walk of 2010.  All around the world today photographers met in droves to explore local sites and shoot.  I've been wanting to branch out and meet more people with similar interests lately, so I decided to take the risk and go.  My local walk took place in St. Augustine- my favorite place in the world.  We walked through the Lightner Museum, Flagler College, the Cathedral Basilica gardens, Castillo de San Marcos, and several of the old city streets.  It was fun because as many times as I've been there, I have never been inside the college (which felt like walking inside the Titanic) or the gardens.  I can't imagine having dinner in my college dining hall in the ballroom of an elite hotel built in the 1880's complete with gilded ceilings and cherubim dripping from every nook.  It was amazing.  The garden, right on Matanzas Bay, with its green grass and wonderfully relaxing breeze was so serene.  I didn't get a ton of photos but I had a great time.  I will definitely go again next year. 

This dude was my favorite find of the day.  He is entitled, Ex Nihilo (Out of Nothing), and represents what I am trying to do with this blog, and my life.

"Ex Nihilo stands as an eloquent metaphor for humankind always 'becoming'- ever in a state of rebirth and reaffirmation of all the possibilities in being human, of the process of evolving into one's own future." Frederick Hart, Sculptor

Adapting to happiness...

Lately I have been having random little psychic moments.  I will think of something, and then soon after I will either read or hear about the very same thing.  It's very odd.  It happened after my last blog post.  I wrote about seeing my husband for his forest and his trees, because we spend blocks of time apart amongst our time together.  Then, I picked up my book, The Upside of Irrationality, and the very next segment was on precisely that.  I found it so fascinating, I thought I would share.

So, according to the author, Dan Ariely, humans have the amazing ability of adaptation.  His simple example of this is when you walk out of a movie theater on a sunny afternoon, and your eyes automatically adjust to the light.  Likewise, we are able to adjust to emotional changes in our lives relatively quickly, such as the loss of a job or the death of someone close.  In fact, he says, research shows that we adapt to these traumatic events faster and more easily than we expect.  He writes that when we foresee an event, say a divorce, we automatically assume we won't be able to handle it, or that it will be hugely painful.  But in these predictions, we are not apt to take into consideration this super power of adaptation.  The same is true with happier events.  We assume that if we win the lottery we will be overjoyed.  This is true, but only for a limited amount of time.  After about the same time it takes to adapt to a negative event, the power of the positive event wears off, and we are back to our baseline of happiness.  This opened my eyes to what drives us to want more all the time.  Because nothing ever makes us as happy as we imagine it will, so we keep looking for it, that thing that will bring us eternal happiness.  Of course, it doesn't exist.

So, back to how this relates to my previous post.  Ariely put together a study to determine how quickly people adapt to stimuli.  He took two groups of people, and he exposed one to an ongoing negative stimulus.  The other he exposed to two short negative stimuli, but with a break in between.  Although those who had the break received the stimulus for a shorter period of time, they reported a higher negative reaction than the first group.  Why?  Because those who were exposed to the continuous negative stimuli adapted, and it didn't bother them any more.  To test the other side of the coin, Ariely chose another two groups.  He gave the first an uninterrupted period in a massage chair.  The other group received a short massage, followed by a break, and another short massage.  So, who reported a higher level of enjoyment?  The people who received a break.  This is because they didn't have the continuity that leads to adaptation, thereby increasing their enjoyment.

Therefore, the lesson from his work is that if you are engaged in some unappealing activity, like doing taxes, it is best not to take breaks, but to plow through.  This will allow you to adapt and to experience a lower rate of unhappiness.  On the flip side, if you are doing something enjoyable- being with your husband, for example- take breaks.  Although it's hard because you don't want the fun to end, it will keep you from adapting, thereby, keeping your happiness level raised for a longer period of time.  Hence, when my husband and I have these breaks from each other, research proves what I feel- that it makes our relationship happier and more enjoyable.  Bill Nye was right.  Science is cool.

  Today was my first Saturday free of the confines of employment in over three years.  It was wonderful.  I visited Big Talbot Island State Park to grab some shots of my family wearing glasses to use as advertisement in my father's office.  We had a lot of fun, complete with getting dirty, climbing trees, and picnicking.

Seeing the forest and the trees...

I am working through a summer reading book with an eleven-year-old student of mine right now.  It's a science fiction novel about time travel, and it's fascinating.  In it, men from the future come back and tell all these kids about how time travel works and how they can move outside of time.  It's entirely mind-boggling and great.  And, it reminds me in some off-hand way of my favorite book of all time, The Lovely Bones.

One of my favorite parts of this novel, one that got brushed under the rug in the movie version in favor of keeping it to two hours, was the relationship between the parents of Susie, the main character.  In order to deal with their daughter's murder, Susie's mother leaves town and travels across the country, leaving her husband with their two younger children.  No communication is maintained between the couple during her lengthy absence.  But despite (or perhaps, because of) the distance and silence, their love grows.  Once ready, she returns home into the welcoming arms of her husband who carried not a shred of anger over her departure.  Their love for each other, no matter the expanse of time and space, grew stronger than it had ever been.

Sometimes I think we are capable of such sci-fi fantasies as time travel and teleportation.  Just maybe not in the physical realm.  But love can move outside time and space.  When my husband is gone for long periods of time, I can feel us getting closer, just in a different way from when he is here.  Sometimes I think we are the luckiest people because we get the best of both worlds.  Most people get to see their spouses every day.  They get that closeness that comes when you depend on someone so much that you don't even realize how much you need them.  And, others might live far away from the people they love and come to know well the way they see the other person- as perfectly sweet or beautiful or magical.  I get both.  I get to know my husband's quirks and routines, but I am never far from that magical version of him either.  It's like when you first like someone.  You don't get to see them often, so when you're not with them your thoughts are filled with their beauty and wonder.  You see them as this perfect being that takes you to this magical space.  Then once you start dating and you spend more time together, you get a more up-close view, and you become more familiar with the detailed them.  Maybe you get lost in the trees of their idiosyncrasies, and forget the forest that is their magic.  I am lucky.  I get to see the forest and the trees.

 Maybe we do have some super powers.

(One of mine is making time stop- through pictures.  Check out my newly posted pics at donavonf.com and flickr.com/dewindesigns!)

Finding magic...

Tiny little decisions shape our lives.  Small slivers of a moment act as a secret doorway through which entire lives unfold.  Days that lead to months, and eventually years.  That first day of school, that one Halloween, that amazing Valentine's Day.  Days that shift perspectives within seconds.  Those mundane one-liners that stick in our minds as the words that form who we are to become: "you wanna see my trapper keeper?", "somebody likes you", "get out".  They act like some magical spell that once uttered blows you into a new sphere of reality, the steering wheel that turns you down a new route, complete with new scenery and new characters.

Today I have been thinking about all of the amazing people in my life.  The ones who together have sculpted my outlook on life and all that is carried within it.  Sometimes I wish I could speak to the me that I was before and tell her about all the wonderful people she has waiting to be a part of her life.  I get so excited for her.  And then I wonder what will the future me wish she could say to the me that I am now?  What other magical words and days and people are just around the corner?   

This is what I feel like lately.  With my two best friends missing in action, sometimes I feel like I am too.

Surviving Day One...

I'm not planning on recounting my daily crying spells here or anything what with my husband being on the road, just so you know.  But, here I am, working through day one- it's always the hardest, of course- and hoping that blogging will cheer me up.  Or at least make me feel more human.  Right now I'm feeling more like a blob.

I had an excellent time the last couple of days while the band was in town, shooting photos and watching my husband play- two of the top items on my list of favorite things to do.   One of the other highlights, though, was getting to hear a really talented songwriter, Mishka, who opened for them.  He came out during Donavon's set both nights and they all played one of his songs- My Love Goes With You.  In fact, it was playing over the stereo when I first walked onto the bus, so I got to really listen to the lyrics and I was immediately in love.  His words were directly relevant to several of my recent posts, including my last one.  And, as I read over them in their entirety today, I realized they are directly relevant to the situation I am currently in with my husband.  So, I post them here for you to read in hopes that they are somehow relevant to your current situation as well.  And, maybe we both can glean some comfort from words.

(The words in bold are my absolute favorite, and best encompass my efforts in this blog.)


If there was one song that I could sing
to help you through each and every day
I would sing a song to remind you 
that we're only ever living for today
 
My love goes with you in all that you do
My love goes with you in all decisions that you make

Well sometimes we get so tired of the struggle 
when it seems as if there’s no way out 
So caught up in desire, it's so hot there in the fire, 
and you're lost in doubt
 
My love goes with you in all that you do
My love goes with you in all decisions that you make

In every book you're reading and in every glass of water you're drinking
In every breath you're breathing and in every little thought that you're thinking
I hope that you can find a little free time for yourself
Yeah, I hope that you can find a little music after your own heart.
 
I hope that you can find your balance 
between the mystic and mundane
I hope that you can navigate your way 
between the sacred and profane 
Yes I hope that you can find your vision 
between the sunshine and the rain
That you find your truth within and when you do 
it doesn’t cause you too much pain 
 
You know I get so concerned and I wonder how you're gonna make it
If I can't be there for you all the time how you gonna take it
Well then I don’t worry no cause my love is strong
Then I don’t worry no no no my love for you lives on and on and on 

And my love goes with you in all that you do
My loves goes with you in all decisions that you make
My love goes with you everywhere you go
My love goes with you, my love goes with you 

Watching the breeze...

A friend sent me this quote today:

You are holding onto the need for a proof, a testimony, an authority.  You still imagine that truth needs to be pointing at you telling you: 'Look, here is the truth'.  It is not so.  Truth is not the result of an effort, the end of a road.  It is the here and now. - Sri Nissargadata Maharaj

  

I have been trippin' on it for the past hour.  I suppose all my writing here is my vain search for the truth.  And, in searching for truth, one is really searching for meaning.  Why are we here?  What am  I supposed to be doing with my life?  How do I do it "right"?

Normally I get very depressed when my husband is on tour.  Being alone for me is worse than lonely, it makes me feel useless.  I have no one to take care of, no one to look forward to seeing.  I therefore often suffer from a bought of wondering what the point of life is, which is never fun.  My goal this tour has been to spend more time in silence, a la Tolle.  In the past I have kept the tv on at all times when alone, just to ease the silence.  I either filled my hours with work or an oversaturated schedule in order to avoid what I felt was the recognition of my pointlessness.  However, I was thinking about it the past month or so, and realized I have all these high hopes for my future children in my head, yet I don't meet any of them.  Why would I want something for my child that I wouldn't want for myself?  I want them to be active, spend most of their time outdoors, be able to be surrounded by silence, not need to be entertained every second.  The final two have been knocking me about lately.  If I can't do these things myself, how will I teach my children?  So I set my goal for this tour to spend more time doing "nothing", in other words reading, writing, sitting, pondering, being outside, tv off.  Man, I thought it'd be hard, but it has fit like a glove.  Like it was exactly what I needed.  It's sad to realize that I truly considered reading and writing nothing.  But I'm so used to doing things I have to do, doing things I want to is unheard of. 

Today I spent three and a half hours in my hammock outside watching the wind.  And reading a bit.  Instead of reading one of my current books, which are mostly academic, I pulled a new novel off the shelf.  Lately I've been reading books for a purpose- summer reading, writing instruction, or for my review blog.  It was fun to read a book just 'cause.  The point is I was able to sit with myself and not go crazy riding my thoughts into oblivion.  I hung out with Florida for the afternoon and we had an amazing time together.  That sounds like I'm trying to be cutesy, but I'm not.  That's really what it felt like.  Hanging out with an old friend I had been neglecting.  So maybe the truth is in silence as opposed to words.  Shit.  Does this mean I have to stop blogging?

I <3 Florida.