Meeting with myself...

One of the areas I work with my students on is study strategies.  I try to help them to organize all of their obligations in a way that breaks down the larger tasks into smaller, more manageable and less stressful ones.  I was thinking about some of my students this morning and how I wish there were something I could do to make them follow through with some of these tasks because I know their lives would be so much easier.  I just couldn't understand why they wouldn't just do it.  Until something clicked and I realized that I do, in fact, understand.

So, this afternoon I set up a very important meeting- with myself.  I want to stop wasting time and get focused on my photography, art, and writing.  So, me, myself, and I had a little strategizing session and came up with some short-term goals.  I realized that I have been frozen because, like my students, I am overwhelmed by the work ahead of me.   I look at someone else's photos, for example, and think- there's no way I can learn all those techniques.  I read someone else's writing, and think- I wish I could put my thoughts together like that.  I see another's artwork and cringe, simultaneously thinking I could do that and I would have never been able to put that together.  It's infuriating.  So, instead I watch tv.  I stress about work.  I make up a whole litany of responsibilities to distract myself- I have to go grocery shopping; I have to clean out the garage; I have to buy Christmas presents.  Well, true as these may be, there is something else more important to me.

My life coach teaches the importance of spouses meeting a few times a year to discuss where they are and where they want to be in a year, five years, ten years, and come up with goals to get them there.  This is exactly what I did, only with myself.  I grabbed my laptop, a notebook, and a pen and went outside where I could be out of my usual comfort zone of the house.  I began by listing my three focus areas: art, writing, and photography, and listing every single idea of how I could incorporate them into my life more that came to mind without censor.  From these, I created a short list of goals that I can start with today and that will break up my long-term goals into manageable morsels.  For instance, I have subscribed to a daily prompts email list to encourage me to write something, anything, daily.  It will take the pressure off knowing I don't have to come up with the topic myself.  And, maybe something more will spring from one of them.  As for my photography, I have decided to take one night a week to just google new photography techniques and see what I find.  With art, I would like to try sketching some pieces before jumping into working on them, which stresses me out.


After listing everything and writing it all down, I felt as though a weight had been lifted.  Now it all seems so easy.  In fact, I was so relieved, my excuse barrier shattered, that I came into my office and cleaned off my art table and organized my writing materials and about a half million other things that I've put off for over a year.  I also took a risk and emailed a really talented local photographer and asked him to meet me for coffee so I could pick his brain.  I really want to reach out for support, and stop feeling like I'm doing this on my own.  

I stopped by Ashes' Boutique today at the beach, where I have some of my photos and artwork on consignment.  I hadn't been in close to a year.  I fully expected her to have my stuff in a box in the storage room out back.  Instead, it was lying in different areas throughout the shop.  I asked her if she wanted me to take them all, but she said no, that she loved them and thinks they are beautiful.  It just gave me the renewed spirit and encouragement I needed to continue.  It's very easy to give in to the "what's the point" voice in your head.  Lucky for me, mine has been quieted, if only for a day.

Possibilities.

Demanding...

I watched The Right Stuff tonight, a movie about Chuck Yeager and the Mercury astronauts- the first Americans in space.  Alan Shepard- the first human to ride in the Mercury spacecraft- and his wife were greeted by President Kennedy and Jackie O. upon his return.  However, for whatever reason, Gus Grissom, who took the second seat, received no such welcome home.  His wife became angry, as anyone would.  Suddenly, I pulled back for a moment and looked down at Earth myself.

All I saw were millions of tiny people deciding what they deserved and becoming upset when they didn't receive it.  But the funny thing is it never existed in the first place, so they are grieving over nothing.  In other words, to further my last post, we all live in our own perceptions, which are false about 99% of the time. We constantly intake what is going on around us, comparing our situations to others and assuming that the same or better will- no, should- happen to us.  Those who are in situations worse than ours we simply dismiss.

I find it quite narcissistic of us to assume that we deserve anything at all.  And, more than narcissism, it's just plain self-harm.  The only product of these "demands" is misery for the one who created them in the first place.   

Find dewin.  I've been noticing times lately when I feel pulled into the details of life and away from the greater meaning.  These are generally times when I feel stressed, times when I am not receiving what I "deserve".  Usually I am focusing on work or petty circumstances or money, none of which have any relationship with the meaning that I represent here in this world.  That's why I love state parks, and why I love this photo of me by the Suwannee.  It reminds me of my true place in this world- a significantly insignificant, lucky participant in a wonderland of beauty.

Self-imposing...

I have been working on an essay with one of my students regarding the idea of life as an illusion, a flexible, self-imposed reality.  I was intrigued by the topic immediately, but didn't quite sense its complete truth until the other day.  I woke up to a beautiful, sunny day.  It was the perfect temperature outside, not too cold as it has been.  I had only a few students to see.  My husband was coming home in a matter of hours.  I was looking forward to lunch at my favorite place.  I could go on and on to make my point that, by all outward appearances, it was a wonderful day.  But inside of me, it was not so wonderful.

My head was a mess of anxiety, worry, misery, and anger.  It was so strong, in fact, that it stretched out to my every limb.  My stomach began to hurt, my legs became sore, my entire body exhausted.  The culprit was of my very own making.  I had a meeting scheduled for later that day, and, though it hadn't even happened yet, I had already played it all out in my head a thousand ways.  Of course, every single way ended with either my becoming upset, the other party becoming upset, or both of the above.  It was an unquestionable mess waiting to happen, and all I could do was sit and anticipate its arrival.

Well, as one might suspect, the meeting was fine and a very pleasant experience.  But it didn't matter.  I had worked myself up so much in the waiting for it that the rest of my day was a waste.  I was mush.  I couldn't think, I couldn't feel, I could hardly move.  I came home, laid on the couch with my baby blanket and watched four episodes of Gilmore Girls in a row.  I paint this embarrassing picture only to show how true my student's essay really is.  Had I not created this false scenario in my mind, my day- my reality- would have been great.  Why do I do this to myself?  You would think I would want myself to be happy.  But it seems lately that that unfortunately is not the case.   

My husband recently shared with me a quote from one of his favorite movies, The Shawshank Redemption.  He said, you have to either "get busy living or get busy dying."  I just wish someone would explain that to my brain.