Focusing beyond the horizon...

"Cowardice asks the question- is it safe; expediency asks the question- is it politic; and, vanity comes along and asks the question- is it popular.  But, conscience asks the question- is it right.  And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must do it because conscience tells him it is right."

This is my new favorite quote by Martin Luther King.  When I first heard it, it immediately reminded me of my own life.  I always let cowardice ask 'is it safe' about everything I do.  I live my life from a cramped space of fear, only venturing far enough out to peek around and then pull my head quickly back in.  I only say what people want to hear because it's not safe to speak my mind.  I only stick to what I know.  I have dreams, but I tell myself they cannot come true because they are not realistic. 

In the amazing State of the Union address Tuesday night, President Obama said something I will never forget: "I'm not sure how we'll reach that better place beyond the horizon, but I know we'll get there."  We focus too much on planning every little detail of life.  It's hard not to.  But Obama's comments showed me the way to focus on what's important, the forest above all the trees.  Focus on the end result and you will get there.  It's when you focus on the how that cowardice, expediency, and vanity sneak in with their judgment.  I don't want to live my life in a place that's safe, logical, or well-liked.  The most important place is where I want to be.  If I focus on that and that only, the rest will fall into place.

Father Lopez; Mission of Nombre de Dios, St. Augustine, Florida

Reflecting...

I am currently reading an autobiography of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., pieced together from his own writings.  In it, he discusses the reasoning behind his use of nonviolent tactics.  Of course there are the obvious reasons, but one floated forward that I had not recognized before: contrast.  When we look in the mirror, we think we are seeing reality, but what we really see is the opposite of reality, an image that has been flipped 180 degrees upon itself.  When the marches and boycotts were held throughout the South in the mid-1900s, two things led the police and KKK to retaliate with violence.  One, of course, was a lack of control, but the other was a lack of what they saw as reaction.  King preached that no matter what happened, whether pain or death, not to retaliate in violence, but in love.  The effect this had on the aggressors was remarkable.  For, what it did was provide a mirror for them showing just what they were capable of by showing them the exact opposite.  Violence held up to violence appears justified, but violence held up to nonviolence appears ridiculous.  By refusing to involve themselves in this fake drama being played out before them, they made a true contribution by showing the aggressors who they themselves were on the inside.  Once it had been reflected for them so clearly, they had no other choice but to back down. 

I am also currently reading a novel about a girl who was raised by a schizophrenic and abusive mother.  I was reading a particularly painful piece the other day while working out at the gym.  I had my book propped up on the stairmaster, and to take a break and digest what I had just read, I looked up for a moment at the tv that was on the wall in front of me.  It was tuned to some reality show I couldn't hear because of my headphones.  All I could see was an extremely financially-fortunate woman, complete with bleached hair and botox, completely made up to sit around on her couch in the middle of the afternoon and argue with somebody.  I don't know who it was, and I doubt it matters anyway.  All I could see was a very blessed and miserable woman.  Then I looked back down to my book, at the scared and confused young girl within its pages.  The contrast in priorities just stunned me.

I think that if we were to use what and who we see around us as a mirror for our true selves instead of seeing it as some outside, unconnected happenstance, we could get a glimpse of who we really are, and thereby, be better able to become who we really want to be.  Or maybe we're too afraid of what we will see.   

Mirror Lake in the Okefenokee Swamp.

Creating (not following) my path...

Today I finished the second of two autobiographical accounts of hostage experiences in the Colombian jungle.  The first, written by then presidential candidate Ingrid Betancourt, I read for my book review blog.  I was so intrigued by her story that I then read the narrative of her companion, lawyer Clara Rojas.  Next on my agenda is yet another account co-written by three American soldiers who were held with the women.  One thing I like about Betancourt's story is that it truly gives you a glimpse into the human psyche and how it reacts to the lack of freedom and all that comes with it.  Clara's story is interesting because it discusses the trials of having a child in middle of the jungle.  As I was reading the final chapters of her book this evening, I came across a cool quote that not only sums up her experience of six years of being held captive, but my struggle with how I want to express my life.  She pulled it from a song by Joan Manuel Serrat entitled, "Caminante No Hay Camino".  The chorus goes like this:


"Traveler, there is no set path;
the path is made while walking it.
Blow by blow, kiss by kiss,
that's how a path is made."


I have a new favorite hobby: searching for real estate online.  Do we have any plans to move anytime soon, no.  But I like to daydream that one day we could afford a cozy little cottage in St. Augustine hidden amongst the huge oak trees, draped in moss.  It's fun to daydream, but the thing is when I close my laptop, instead of pulling inspiration from the act of dreaming, I grow bitter and angry that I am forced to settle for what I have.  I did this last night, and my husband pointed it out to me.  I had never noticed before that I get that way.  So as I lay in bed I asked myself, why do I do that to myself, why do I even look at the houses if I can't afford them?  'Because it's fun' was my mind's quick response.  It's fun to dream and pretend.  So that's when I realized it's ok to dream but only if you use it to inspire you, not deflate you.  The Serrat quote reinforced this thinking for me today.  I interpreted it as a reminder to step back, chill out, and enjoy what I've been given.  To stop worrying about what comes next.

Fun with trespassing!  (At least I don't live here, right?!)

Invoking Chopra...

I read a wonderful article today by one of my favorite writers- Deepak Chopra.  The title, "Why Worry is a Choice", immediately grabbed my attention because it was almost a direct response to my recent post, Self-imposing.  What's funny is his answer to my issues of self-created misery is something that I had actually written in my very next post, Demanding.  Just like with my example of freaking out about an upcoming meeting, Chopra says, "Life is always uncertain, and until you can embrace this fact, you will imagine risks, dangers, and threats that never materialize. Yet, suffering in your imagination is just as painful—perhaps more painful—since dealing with a crisis is always easier than waiting for one in a state of dread."  In fact, he writes that "anxious people dread themselves more than their imaginary dangers."  

So, number one: embrace that life is always uncertain.  To do this, we must embrace not only that life is not perfect, but that we ourselves are not perfect, which brings to mind something that my writing friend wrote me recently.  "Goals and plans to achieve them are great. They are only a problem when so much importance is put on a single plan that you start to think that short term success is required to achieve a long term goal.  In other words, you have to build failure into your short term plan."  I think this is such a cool concept.  Hardly ever do we plan for failure or uncertainty.  Chopra furthers my friend's comments by saying, "Negatives [Failures] can be useful if they show you what you are moving away from, but they're not useful if you use them to fuel your self-judgment, since self-judgment is the root of the problem."

One thing I love about Chopra is that he doesn't offer just one point of view, his words come from his extensive background knowledge of several cultures and religions.  For instance, he says, "Many spiritual traditions speak of separation as the real cause of human misery.  People are divided inside.  With anxiety, the strong part of the self is at war with the weak part."  I definitely felt this when I was stressing about my meeting.  Part of me was thinking- I know this is going to be bad, while another part was thinking- you are overreacting and being stupid. This internal argument, then, caused even more anxiety and anger at myself, because I was doing exactly what I wrote about in Demanding: focusing on the trivial details instead of my true meaning.  "Anxious people never settle this inner conflict. They are so divided that when they feel afraid, the weak part is "the real me." When they are not afraid, the strong part is "the real me." In fact, neither is the real self. The real self is beyond conflict; it is whole and at peace. So the long-term approach to anxiety is to rise above the inner war to find a self that is more whole." 

So, number two: stay connected to the whole, true self.  I have my methods of doing this.  One is going to state parks, just being outside period.  But I can't really do that at work.  Chopra suggests taking 10 minutes to be by yourself and simply breathe.  But for some, he says, this can cause its own anxiety.  "Anxious people misjudge being alone. They identify it with fear, loneliness, and insecurity. That's perfectly understandable given their history of fear. But being alone is your ground state, the basis of your existence. It's not your enemy." 

He pretty much sums up our entire society in his description of the avoidance tactics we use to disregard fear.  "For anxious people, fear is actually a kind of solution.  It keeps the person vigilant. It gives the feeling of being concerned, engaged, and busy. And since fear is unwelcome, it drives people into all kinds of escapist activities. Every distraction from alcohol and drugs to television and movies is constantly available. It's no surprise that millions of people would rather accommodate their lives to being afraid rather than seeking authentic healing."

So, number three: stop creating distractions.  My avoidance strategy is to create busyness where there is none.  I can put a stop to this by balancing my work schedule, only checking my work email at specific times of day, letting calls go to voice mail, organizing my time better, and scheduling time to do absolutely nothing.

In the conclusion, Chopra states that, like most things, it is best to work on anxiety one day at a time.  "Happiness is built up by having good days, not by reaching for an unattainable ideal in the future."


If you would like to read the article in its entirety, which includes a helpful checklist, you can follow this link:

Why Worry Is A Choice

Blog hopping...

I've never heard of a Blog Hop before, but one of my blog friends is hosting one, and I couldn't resist!  She proposes a theme, and her readers blog about it and post links.  You can read her other readers' entries by clicking the link at the bottom of my post.  Her theme for this week is inspiration, so here goes...


Inspiration is something that I luckily am able to tap into pretty often, and I have found that the things that inspire me are those that incite wonder.  This could be a book about the past that makes me wonder what it must have been like to live back then.  It could be in the form of a movie or tv show that makes me wonder what it is like to live that person's life, whether real or fictitious.  It could be the feelings I have for my husband that make me wonder about the depths of love.  Or it could be a beautiful day that makes me wonder about the interconnectedness of humans and nature.  Whatever the source, it is really the act of wondering that inspires me. 

I believe this is because wondering opens me up to possibilities.  In my daily life, I am very easily bogged down by the details- where I need to be, what needs to be done, or what mistakes I have made.  When I feel like this, I can feel my focus narrowing, like a horse wearing blinders.  But when I am feeling inspired, my focus widens and I take in more of the world.  It broadens my relationship with the world, and thereby life as a whole.  So, maybe it is really my relationship with life that inspires me.  Whatever it is, when I am feeling inspired, I know that I am living a fulfilled life. 

Destination Unknown

Balancing faith and logic...

Something I have often struggled with is how much of my life to trust to faith, and how much to logically plan.  I am a big believer that the universe will provide for you.  But at the same time I don't want to be lazy and make poor choices.  Having a kid, for instance.  I feel like most people do it because they feel it is the right time.  And, financially and lifestyle-wise, it seems to always work itself out.  Maybe not perfectly, but for the most part.  But do I just do it and trust that it will work out okay?  Or do I plan and wait until I feel financially and mentally stable, which could mean I end up waiting forever? 

This applies to my writing as well.  I read a book recently about an unpublished author who quit her day job to stay home and write.  Is it wise to put that much faith in life?  I would never have the guts to take that big of a jump.  But at the same time I don't want to be a planner.  I like life to be full of surprises.  I don't want to plan down to the second the moment of my child's birth or know exactly what I am going to do with the rest of my life.  I don't want to have that much control.  Some control is necessary, or at least the illusion of it is.  But too much control can be suffocating. 

Maybe I don't want to know the answers.  Maybe it's more fun to wonder.  Maybe my searching for answers is just another way of reaching toward a mirage of control.  The truth is I don't know the answers.  No one does.  I guess for now I'll just try to maintain an even balance of both.   

Being happy and knowing it...

My first completed read of the new year is a book I have been wanting to read for approximately twenty years.  Fried Green Tomatoes has been a favorite movie of mine since the first time I saw it.  The storyline and the relationships expressed in the film are a constant inspiration for my writing.  So, on my trip to California, I read the novel by Fannie Flagg.  I was surprised at how completely different it was from the movie, and was again surprised when I found out that Flagg also co-wrote the screenplay.

Although I only rated the literary version 3 out of 5 stars on goodreads.com, there was a handful of brilliant lines within the story.  One in particular is just perfect in its description of life.  It's in a segment where 87-year-old Ninny Threadgoode is talking to her younger friend Evelyn about life during the Depression.  She says,


We were happy and didn't know it.


In all my research into 9/11 last year, I garnered myself a new anxiety of flying.  I literally worked myself into a panic attack on each flight on the way home, but there was this moment somewhere 35,000 feet above the ground when I looked out my window onto the clouds and that line echoed in my head.  I thought to myself, this is life- right here, right here on this plane, in the middle of the sky.  Since I can remember, my life has always been a matter of getting somewhere. I was consistently in transport.  When I was young, it was about waiting til I could be a writer, then it was about surviving high school; when I was with my high school boyfriend, it was getting through til I saw him again or until we were married.  What I was doing at the moment was only being done simply to get me to someplace else.  But yesterday, my life suddenly stopped flat at 500 miles per hour, and I finally realized what Eckhart Tolle means when he says to live in the now.  This is my life.  Right now.  And whether I am washing the dishes or hanging with rock stars, my life is good.  And, though I may not always realize it, I am happy.

 
This is a photo I took when I visited "Whistle Stop, Alabama" (aka Juliette, Georgia) where the movie Fried Green Tomatoes was filmed.  The building that posed as the Whistle Stop Cafe now really is a cafe, but if you're looking for some barbeque, save yourself a trip and just drive to your local McDonald's for a McRib sandwich.  You'll get the same effect.